You are currently browsing the daily archive for January 5, 2009.

“This is a blank map that lets you go as far as you want in any direction, with no questions asked, but it’s no help at all if you want to know if you’re going the right way.” -Storypeople (Brian Andreas)


I downloaded divorce papers today.  I couldn’t look at them, but at least having them on the computer is the next step.  It is sad that I don’t miss Pat.  I might miss him, if it were not for Russ, but not enough to go back.  My God, it is daunting, though, to end a quarter of a century of taking care of someone.  You miss the idea of how things were, not the reality.  And I know that I’ve had that experience for many years – thinking about how it would be nights when I came home, and looking forward to it, to seeing him, and having it be so different, so disappointing, but always hoping that perhaps a different night would be better.  There were good times, sometimes, traveling, cooking, champagne at the cemetery of summer afternoons…others as well, and getting to the point of honoring those is important to me, loving those times, and losing the wistfulness that surrounds them.  And while it’s important to me that he gets there too, I have no control over that.


When I check in with myself, I still feel that all he really is going to want from me is money.  Not that there’s much, and I am on the fence about how much to give him – half of the inheritance my Mother left me?  He’s already blown his small amount.  That just doesn’t seem fair, doesn’t seem like what she’d want.  But if it must be, it must be.  I can’t determine if it is worth fighting for.


I do want to wind up being friends, though.  Shared custody of Kelsea and perhaps the dogs and cats.   It is so sad.  And it is hard to be strong.  I will not let Russ take care of me financially.  That is something that I must do myself, in order for there to be true equality.  Never having had a true partner before, I do not know how to manage or approach such a relationship on a practical level – on an emotional level, I think I am improving, allowing myself to trust him with more and more of me every day.  But the practical side is different and may take a different kind of perspective.   With the shadow of losing my job hanging over me like a dim spectre, the idea of quitting the second job is unthinkable. The idea of incurring more expenses – like buying a house in Boulder – is inconceivable.  It’s as if I should not take on anything that I cannot handle on my own – just in case.  I do not want to have that “just in case” attitude, and must keep reminding myself that this is a different relationship, a different man, and a different me than I’ve ever experienced in the last 25 years, since I came of age.  Ah, but I have always been of age.

January 2009
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