You are currently browsing the daily archive for January 6, 2009.

I am distant from myself today, distant from so much.  It is the wind and winter that makes me want to curl up in the sheets and stay there, warm and cocooned until that first crocus pokes its way out of the earth.  I keep telling myself, “It won’t be long now,” and hoping I won’t discover my own lie.  It will be forever, seemingly. 

 

This is the first time in years that I have not had a plane ticket in hand to go, somewhere warm, to soothe my need for summer, to revel in the sea and deny the cold its toll on my bones.  The Chinook winds toy with my temper.  I feel lazy and fat. All the qualities of a bear refused her hibernation period, forced to dance before hated crowds, wearing a ridiculous costume, wanting nothing but to be free in nature.

 

Grrrrrr.

 

I don’t like my work.  I don’t like what lies before me for the next few months.  I am dreading the hurt that is coming, to me, to Pat, to Russ, to Kim, and trying to look at it from an academic, new experience perspective.  The guilt that rests upon my shoulders is from all the upheaval I am causing.  I know I am doing a good thing, starting over, but it is terrifying all the same.  It is time to grab the hounds and jump – do a Butch and Sundance off the cliff thing.

 

It’s funny, I have support from many places – friends, Russ, therapist(s), even Kelsea (to a limited extent), but it is not sufficient.  I suppose I must find that strength, support, justification, right-ness, in me, not in some outside opinion.  Perhaps that’s why I am stalling – fear of the unknown, and coming to my own terms with my actions and needs.

 

Last night, I was lonely.  I am NEVER lonely.  Alone, yes, but comfortably so.  It was an odd and unpleasant feeling – I don’t know what spurred it.  Too much time in the company of others makes me crave a period of solitude, but this was not that. This felt different and I want to understand it.

 

I miss my lover’s lips, the feel of them, soft pressure, caressing, a place in which to become lost and found at the same time, a sharing of breath and spirit. I am longing for that gentle kiss. A few more days. 

 

And how random I am today.

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