Printed out the divorce papers today.  One step closer.  And expect to have the talk tonight.  Why do I feel so numb about this? It is as if someone else is doing it.  I don’t like the detached feeling, but I suspect it’s a protective measure. I feel as if I am on the edge of liberation, and that is frightening.  I do love Pat, will always, but when I try to picture what I am giving up, all I see are the house (that he is letting fall apart literally) and the dogs and cats.

 

The partnership, the caretaking, wasn’t there – perhaps on either side.  I do feel like I tried – but perhaps not lately. I can’t say I was perfect – far, far from it.  But I can say I am tired and don’t see him considering trying unless he sees me trying – which is just like our relationship has been for so long –  he won’t do anything unless I make the first move.  No initiative on his part.  And I am tired of that.  I am tired of feeling like I am solely in charge, and yet have no control at the same time.  How can that be?  I don’t know, but it is.  But I cannot spend the rest of my life waiting for him to move, and I cannot spend the rest of my life feeling so tired that I want to die, just so I can rest.

 

Half the people in the US get divorced.  I’m not the first.  I fight the sense of failure that comes with it though, the sense that I have betrayed him, that I have not tried hard enough, that I should give it one more go, just so I won’t hurt him.  How will he manage without me? 

 

But I must own this – this is what I want, this is what is good for me.  I have been hurt many times in this relationship, disappointed so many times. I shouldn’t have put up with it.  But I was ever hopeful. Not anymore.  Yes, Russ was a catalyst.  I doubt I could have made this step without his support, but it’s a step I should have taken anyway.

 

Then why does it still feel so surreal?  Perhaps because I’m giving up after a quarter of a century?  And I will miss him.  I will be lonely for him in ways that no one else can fill, just as I am lonely for my Mom and my Dad.  But it is not enough.

 

(Later)…and as I look at the divorce papers and tell friends and therapists that this is what I’m doing, I feel stronger.