You are currently browsing the daily archive for January 27, 2009.

Pat called to talk.  Actually, to say only a few things.  To apologize for failing me all these years.  To tell me he hoped I could soar.  And to tell me that Russ was an idiot for letting me go. And I told him I was not coming back. 

I see my marriage for what it was and I am paying the price for it now.

My brain is full.  Finally home from work.  But when I am in flux, my brain seems to write in my head constantly.  When I am calm, it is still.  That’s interesting to think about in itself.  So here we go, randomly…the only question is where to go first…

I miss Russ.  God, how I miss my buddy, my guy.  That won’t change. Ever.

I told my boss at the Guild that I am up for any freelance writing work that he might have on his healthcare reform efforts.  We discussed blogging, and while he doesn’t understand it yet, I think I can pull him around.  I don’t need to get paid for it, but I need the writing experience.  He is a great source of a listening ear.

I am considering a new proposal for Pat.  Something that may cost a bit more now, but will get me out of the constant funding except for my court-ordered child support.  I will put the numbers together over the next few days, and go to him with a proposal. Just like any other business negotiations.  When I told him that I did have a new proposal over the phone, his response was “Oh, you’re coming back to me to be my wife?” and my response was “No.” That took the wind out of his sails. The money will put it back.

Sometimes you just gotta do what you just gotta do to be free.

I want to start a gratitude list – perhaps daily, as another page here in the blog, but we’ll start here:

  • I am grateful for the smell coming out of the Papa Murphy’s pizza delivery car in the turn lane next to me on the way home. I thought of offering him $100 for whatever he had in the car, but I didn’t. I just savored the smell.
  • I am grateful for Kelsea, even if she is having a rough time with everything.
  • I am grateful that Kelsea has such great cousins, and a great aunt and uncle.
  • I am grateful that my parents were my parents.
  • I am grateful that I have experienced a great love that opened me up.  I am hopeful that it can continue.
  • I am grateful for my own friends
  • I am grateful for my own strength.
  • I am grateful for Turner Classic Movies.
  • I am grateful that I have enough to eat, even if I don’t want to eat it.
  • I am grateful for my little cottage.

I have no idea right now how anyone gets to 100 on a gratitude list. Ten is as many as I can find right now.  But hey, it’s a start.

I love the way that my Russ smells – a spicy, fresh-cut jungle scent. 

The past two nights, I have dreamed of my parents, but in a different way than ever before.  It was somewhere between a visitation and a dream.  Hard to explain.  But they were YOUNG, in their teens or 20s, long before I was even thought of.  Something about them starting out, starting over.  The first night, it was just my Mom.  Last night, it was both.  And last night, as I haven’t dreamed for some time now, I was looking for a home, and couldn’t find it.  It made sense in the dim light of morning, after talking to Russ, that part did.  But the message my parents are sending me is not clear yet.  And I have taken nothing to help me sleep these past two nights.  I will continue on that path.

God, I miss my guy.

And  I cannot bear the thought of not having him sleeping by my side for the rest of my life.  I cannot bear the thought of him going back to that awful woman. While I am here, lonely, loving him.  What a waste of our spirits and our love. These thoughts were bound to come…they always come when it is late.  I wish his offer of  needing an ear in the middle of the night still held true.

Slightly edited. To Russ’ credit, he never told me that I “cannot” do as I said in my last bullet.  He told me I “will not”.  He has indeed been my champion in exiting this relationship.  I wish he would remain so in my life.   I have nothing to offer him but my love.


You cannot always see the end when you are in the middle.  Transformations are painful and take time.  You do not get to determine the amount of time it takes.  I will come out of this dark place a free, strong woman.  On this blog, I may resurrect the “Transitioning” page, as I sense there will be an upcoming spill of pain. 


Here’s what I do not know:

What my future holds now

Whether I will have a job in the next two months

If I will ever have a partner (that one brings tears welling)


So let’s look at what I do know:

I am getting divorced.

I am going to have to pay child support.

I am going to take a financial loss.

I do not want to be doing what I am doing.

I want to live and work somewhere warm.

I will not let anyone tell me what I cannot do anymore.


I need to open doors for myself.  In the writing, in the traveling, in healing – not only healing myself, but healing others.  I sense that I have gifts that I have not acknowledged.   I have never been in a still enough place to acknowledge them.  But I am shifting there now. I feel as if I am learning a different language. Or learning to walk.


So what can I control? 


Getting divorced.  I chose that.  There has not been a single person who cares for me who has not supported that choice, except my brother, but that’s a different story.


Having to pay child support.  A fact of divorce.  It will not be a lot.  I am going to negotiate Pat’s wanting me to pay for half the mortgage into the child support allotment.


Taking a loss. Yep, another fact of divorce.  Wrong, but a fact.  I am meeting with my financial guy to determine how to minimize the loss and penalties that I will incur.  Perhaps if I can split certain investments somehow, I can make this work out with a minimum of loss.


Not doing what I want to be doing.  Well, this is a fact, but it ties to two of those things I don’t have control over.  So, what can I do?  Let’s see. I am attracted by the concept of “Do what you love and the money will follow”.  And I am determined to follow the thinking that great rewards require great risks.  I do not want to go out and buy the latest version of “What Color Is Your Parachute?”  I think most parachutes these days are sold with holes in them anyway.  I have a powerful soul, a good heart and a lot creativity.  And some wisdom, believe it or not.  The pull to healing of some kind has always been in me.  I will ruminate on that, cow-like, and see how it manifests.  And I will write.  I have written since I was a child.  I just need to focus.  This time alone can be used to focus.  I can compromise my writing style for publication to whatever extent I need to.  I just need a plan.  I know how to make one of those.  I will put up my photo gallery to sell and my images – if I put my energy into, I can make things happen.  The Photographer’s Market will go on the shelf this week, along with the Writer’s Market.


Living and working somewhere warm.  Several things follow from this.  To do this, I have to be somewhere warm.  To be somewhere warm, I cannot have Kelsea all the time. But working doing what I love – writing, photography, and – yes, put it out there – healing – can be done from wherever I rest my head.  And it is warm here in the summer.  I can make it work. A first step, after this settlement is settled, is to find some land on an island.  I have been waiting for a partner to do that.  But that’s not realistic now.  Now is a good time to buy land.  Once I own it, I will at least have a place to pitch a tent.  I’ll figure out the rest as I go.  And if I have to clear the whole thing myself with a machete, I will.  I’ve always wanted to be good with a machete.  I should add it to the life list.


Not letting anyone tell me what I cannot do anymore.  As a child and an adolescent, my parents (bless them) limited my footsteps: “You’re too young to walk to the store by yourself.” “You can’t go too far away for college.” Done with that.  As a wife, I have allowed Pat to limit my own views of my capabilities: “You can’t do that.” “You can’t take care of yourself.” “You’re no good at x, y, z…” Done with that.  And even now, in my breaking away, Russ is telling me what I will not do:  “You will not break free of this co-dependent relationship.” “We will not have the life we have dreamed of.” Done with that.  I can and I will.  I was always a willful child, and now that I have recognized myself again, I am going to be a willful adult.


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I am feeling loss.  I am feeling fear.  I came to need Russ and to trust him with my heart, my future, as my partner.  

I need some help with being brave and so I dipped into Wikiquotes – and the following resonated with me. Perhaps I will be able to dip back into them from some strength.

You don’t get very far in life without having to be brave an awful lot. Because we all have our frightening moments and difficult trials and we don’t have much of a choice but to get through them, and it takes a lot of bravery to do that. The most important thing about bravery is this — It’s not about not being scared — it’s about being scared and doing it anyway — that’s bravery. – Ysabella Brave

Complete courage and absolute cowardice are extremes that very few men fall into. The vast middle space contains all the intermediate kinds and degrees of courage; and these differ as much from one another as men’s faces or their humors do. – Francois de la Rochefoucauld

It requires courage not to surrender oneself to the ingenious or compassionate counsels of despair that would induce a man to eliminate himself from the ranks of the living; but it does not follow from this that every huckster who is fattened and nourished in self-confidence has more courage than the man who yielded to despair. – Soren Kierkegaard

Courage charms us, because it indicates that a man loves an idea better than all things in the world, that he is thinking neither of his bed, nor his dinner, nor his money, but will venture all to put in act the invisible thought of his mind. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Either life entails courage, or it ceases to be life – E.M. Forster

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. – Harper Lee 

Without belittling the courage with which men have died, we should not forget those acts of courage with which men … have lived. The courage of life is often a less dramatic spectacle than the courage of a final moment; but it is no less a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must—in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures—and that is the basis of all human morality…. In whatever arena of life one may meet the challenge of courage, whatever may be the sacrifices he faces if he follows his conscience—the loss of his friends, his fortune, his contentment, even the esteem of his fellow men—each man must decide for himself the course he will follow. The stories of past courage can define that ingredient—they can teach, they can offer hope, they can provide inspiration. But they cannot supply courage itself. For this each man must look into his own soul. – John F. Kennedy

Go to the edge of the cliff and jump off. Build your wings on the way down.- Ray Bradbury

Every great work, every big accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the big achievement, comes apparent failure and discouragement. – Florence Scovel Shinn

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage. – Lao Tzu

Courage is being scared to death— and saddling up anyway.- John Wayne

Courage is the price life exacts for peace.- Amelia Earhart

Few things are more attractive than courage, cheerfulness and optimism. But they take on an extra dimension when you realize that they are not a lucky assembly of character traits, but the result of an act of will—a deliberate attempt to tackle an unkind destiny with strength of purpose and good humor. – Jane Shilling  

Great occasions do not make heroes or cowards; they simply unveil them to the eyes. Silently and imperceptibly, as we wake or sleep, we grow strong or we grow weak, and at last some crisis shows us what we have become. – Brooke Foss Westcott

I am old enough to know that victory is often a thing deferred, and rarely at the summit of courage. What is at the summit of courage, I think, is freedom. The freedom that comes with the knowledge that no earthly thing can break you.  – Paula Giddings 

If you let fear of consequence prevent you from following your deepest instinct, then your life will be safe, expedient and thin. – Katherine Butler Hathaway

In times of stress, be bold and valiant. – Horace

 It is better to die on one’s feet than to live on one’s knees.- Emiliano Zapata

Love makes us human, courage makes us extraordinary.- Faryal Khan Kharal

Many of our fears are tissue-paper thin, and a single courageous step would carry us through them.  – Brendan Francis


Often I have found that the one thing that can save is the thing which appears most to threaten … one has to go down into what one most fears and that process … comes a saving flicker of light and energy that, even if it does not produce the courage of a hero, at any rate enables a trembling mortal to take one step further. – Laurens Van Der Post

Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.  – Benjamin Disraeli

Strength and courage aren’t always measured in medals and victories. They are measured in the struggles they overcome. The strongest people aren’t always the people who win, but the people who don’t give up when they lose – Asheley Hodgeson

Those who risk nothing risk being nothing.  – Leonoid Sukhorukof

To have courage for whatever comes in life— everything lies in that.  – Mother Theresa

To see what is right and not to do it is cowardice.  – Confucious (K’ung-Fu-tzu)

What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to do.  – Anonymous

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.   – Eleanor Roosevelt

One of my greatest fears, one of those few things that keeps me awake at night and troubles my dreams, is that, when the moment of truth comes, I will fail. This is surpassed only by the fear that when that moment arrives, I will not fail, but will lack the courage to try.  – Jonah West

You only really discover the strength of your spine when your back is against the wall.  – James Geary

Courage = Love + Hope + Fear. – Shomam




The pain comes down like a waterfall starting after a thaw.  It is not severe yet, it is still in that cold, shocked place, and I fear it because I know it will come.  I so did not want him to leave me.  It is not what I deserve.  It is not what we deserve.  It is not what he deserves.  All I have tried to do was love him, free myself from the past and build a future.


I have not caused Russ all this pain.  Kim has.  Not me.  I am offering him love and a future.  She has made that future impossible.  And he has bought into that thinking. She could have been honorable, generous, accepting of the fact that they have grown apart, and made it work so that he could be free.  And she would have been taken care of.  But no.  That is not who she is.  She is a parasite that he cannot free himself from, for all that he says she has worked beside him – albeit a few hours a week for a number of years – she has spent the rest of her time playing, shopping and living off him like a leech.  Sounds familiar.


I have told Pat that Russ has left me and told him why.  And Pat would like to talk to Russ, but as we are done, that won’t happen.  I don’t quite know what it would accomplish, and my instinct is not giving me a clear answer as to whether that would have been the right thing to do.  At this point, it is moot.


Interesting how we cannot help but view others through the veil of our own flaws.  And yet, we cannot see when we (or our partner) is guilty of the same heinous behaviors we are so quick to point out.  Self-reflection is an art that takes many lifetimes to master.


I am so determined.  I have never felt so determined. Is it because I am alone now, and have no choice?  Is it because he has really gone this time?  Or because I can still feel, deep in my core, like a warm sun, that he is still with me?


He has gone to a cold, angry place that I have never heard before.  He said he tried to save me.  I didn’t need anyone to save me.  I needed to save myself.  His love was most definitely enough for me.  But apparently, I couldn’t get through it all in a timeframe that was acceptable for him. 


I can hope that he can work through this place he is and come back to me.  I have not taken off my ring.  I have not forgotten my vows.  I am continuing my affirmations.  I am not giving up. We can do this togehter.  Together, we can make things happen. We have shown that.


Waterfalls can have many meanings.  Flowing pain is one of them.  Abundance is another.  I choose abundance.

There will be several posts today.  According to Russ, the parasites have won.  He has left me to go back to Kim, because he feels he has no future otherwise.  He does not love her. He claims that I will never be able to recognize my co-dependent, damaging marriage for what it was, and that I will never be able to part myself from Pat.  Hmm.  Bull.


I don’t know a lot.  But I am learning more each day.  And here’s what I know.  I don’t need to have Russ’ level of rage to recognize that I allowed myself to be in a bad, soul-sucking situation for a long time.  I don’t need to feel that much anger and resentment in order to detach myself.  I have been detached for years.  Yes, I am still supporting Pat.  But what more can I do to stop than what I am doing?  I have left him. I am divorcing him. I am trying to fight for what is right in terms of a settlement.  I am, day by day, reclaiming my soul.  And I will continue to detach and reclaim until all I am taking care of is myself and Kelsea.  I know this.  I have faith in myself.  Finally, I have faith in myself.  And I am a peaceful soul at heart; that kind of rage is not a part of my make-up.  It is more self-destructive than productive.


In his parting letter, Russ said I should go back.  Now, why would I do that?  Money is money.  Yes, I will be out a lot of it.  But if I let that guide my actions then I lose my soul completely and might as well just kill myself.  And I won’t do that. I will find a way through to the other side of this, to a better life. In a warm place. I don’t give up.


I want Russ as my partner. That is not going to change.  But apparently, I can’t have that.  He doesn’t want it enough. He can’t see through the murk. It surprises me about him, but it is what it is. In this past 5 days, he has gone through a soul retrieval/transformation and in the process, lost a demon.  That is a big thing, and I understand how confused he must be on levels that he may not even understand.  But he forgets that, for years before he met me, he was so depressed he just wanted to put a bullet in his mouth.  And that everyone says that this year of divorce will be hell. And then afterwards, it is wonderful.  I can go through hell for wonderful.  I hold that thought and I won’t lose it.


Finances.  He is taking Kim’s word for all the money stuff.  If he wants to fight it enough, he could, could get his own appraisals, counter her alimony claims, get a lawyer and fight it..  But he does not seem to have the fight in him.  And that is not what I thought my soulmate would do now.


But I cannot control his actions or make his choices for him.  I have done that for too long in one relationship and I refuse to do it in another.  If he does not want to chose the power of love and partnership, so be it.  I do.  Even if I am my own partner.


I have been behind for several days on The Secret calendar and so I am catching up this morning.  This one really struck me:  “What does it feel like to be in harmony with the Universe?  It is the same feeling as when you float on the water. If you are tense, or if you resist the water, you will sink. If you surrender to the water, the water will support you and you will float.  That is the feeling, and that is how you harmonize yourself with the Universe.” I am reminded of Russ’ dad’s visitation, telling him to feel the stream.  But he continues to fight it and that is not what he needs to fight.  He is fighting the wrong thing.


As for me, I will learn to dive, deep beneath the surface, so I can learn more about what lies within the ocean that is me.


I am writing from a small place of sadness and anger right now.  Not the place of pain and desperation that I have felt before when my guy has tried to end this.  Perhaps that is because this time it is the end.  But there is a core of love in me for him  – and for me – that is strong and powerful and I do not believe that the universe will abandon me – or us.


January 2009
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