Today is a Blue Day.  I guess that’s to be expected.  I mean, you can’t just get divorced and be fine – can you?  Maybe some people can, those people who took marriage cavalierly in the first place.  But not me.  I really tried.  Now, I’m really lonely.  I don’t miss the man as much as I miss …..  what?  I don’t know, perhaps just the concept of “belonging to” someone.  There’s a difference between belonging to someone and being someone’s possession.  I felt more like a tool, a possession in my marriage, but I love the idea of belonging with someone.  Note, that’s WITH, not TO.

There are some days that I just feel insecure.  I have hopes, dreams and am trying to shape goals for myself.  But it’s tough.  I am so tired, so burnt out on all my work, on all my feelings.  I just want some peace, laughter and love.  I sound like an old hippie, don’t I?  Oh, for the days when I didn’t wear shoes…

Things seem to get out of my control so easily – the house, work, my head in general.  I need to cut myself some slack and realize that what has happened in the last week (last month, last year, last four years) is a big deal, and it is normal for it all to consume my rational mind, albeit unconsciously, in a fiery swirl, so that I can’t function with the same efficiency and joy that I have come to know in myself.  It’s as if I am a different person.

I suppose I have been reshaped.  That’s not a bad thing, necessarily.  Perhaps it’s an opportunity to select the qualities I like and discard those that no longer serve me well.  Sounds good, but I don’t have the wherewithal to pull it together right now.  Right now, I just want to be held, and listen to the waves crash on a beach, and feel the beating of someone’s heart against my cheek.  (One happy thing – I have been “keeping company” on occasion with a very, very nice man.  While he has his issues, we seem to be good for each other.  But the ocean is still missing me.)

Divorce shakes your world, shreds your soul.  Even when you’re the one who wanted it, initiated it, or took the actions that led to it.  Your sight becomes focused on your losses, and your future seems impossible — impossible to imagine, impossible to achieve.  How can you have a future when you feel like you’ve lost everything?  How can you start all over again at 47?  I’ve lost my perspective on what my past was and what my future can be.  It’s just been consumed by the sadness and weariness of my present.

Today, I suppose the full moon is not making things any easier.   I had a good cry in the parking lot before going into work.  Feeling sorry for myself.

It will just take time.  Time to let go, and time to heal, time to adjust, and time to see the reality of the future, not what it looks like in my fears. 

That shoulder to sleep on, that someone who, whether right by my side or a million miles apart, I can always feel within my heart (to borrow from Kenny Chesney), feels very important to me now.

01080017

01150013

09200035