You are currently browsing the daily archive for December 8, 2009.

I don’t want to write.  I don’t want to work.  I don’t want to leave the house.  I don’t even want to get out of bed.  I’m surprised the bear isn’t one of my power animals.  This seasonal depression gets worse – and starts earlier – every year.  I am no longer in harmony with this climate.  I ache.

We should all take a tip from the beasts of the world, and curl up and sleep through the winter.  Usually by this time, I’ve had a week or two in the Caribbean to hold me over until a January jaunt to someplace warm.  No such luck this year, and I am paying a price for it.  How spoiled I am.  I was lucky to be able to do that for several years.  Few people have that luxury.

When I was young, I always wanted to go “out west”.  I only intended to stay here for two years, to finish school, and then my plan was to move on – DC, to be closer to E-Bro, or New Orleans, for something totally different, or Seattle, to be by the water.  The cold was a novelty for a number of years.  Then it became a drag.  Now it has become a dead albatross hanging around my neck.  Snow is only acceptable in large doses that keep you homebound, not in small sprinklings that make the roads slick.

But then I met Pat, and for a long while, there seemed no need to go anywhere.  I worked my way into a decent and interesting job, and we were doing okay.  After I got laid off when Kelsea was two, I remember us talking about moving somewhere – Seattle came up as a possibility.  There was no reason for us to stay, except for having some family here, and that we had the house.  But there wasn’t enough motivation to go either.  So we stayed.  Now, Kelsea loves it here, has friends, family, and an identity that is tied to Colorado.  The cold doesn’t bother her – she’d prefer cold to hot.  And this is really my child???

Now that I am without my house and my fireplace, and am sleeping alone, the coziness factor in my life has sharply decreased.  I treasure my times with Mr. GF, as they are fun and snuggly, and we are always in contact when we sleep.

Those nights are too few.  It’s 5 degrees here.  I can look out the window (when I can get to a window) and see the snow, see the cold, see this frigid blanket that feels like it will never melt, never end.  I can only remember when it was all green grass, trees in full leaf, birds, and blue mountains.  Today, it is nothing but white.

December 2009
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