You are currently browsing the daily archive for May 23, 2010.

It feels like I’ve been divorced for ages, and at the same time, it still feels kind of surreal.  Am I happy?  There are certain things in my life that make me very happy.  But I am a bit lost right now, between being unemployed, unsure of my future and divorced.  And that causes me to fall into depression more often than I would like.  Falling into depression impacts my part-time job performance, my housekeeping skills, and my ability to motivate myself to pursue my passions.  In other words, it’s not good.  Duh.

As I wrote the other night, it is not helpful to be housesitting for my ex-Pat.  I have spent a lot of today going through the “cat room”, getting rid of things.  That room is a disaster.  Yes, I had it full of stuff, but there’s no reason for it have become one giant litter box.  I have pulled out most of what I want to – or could – save.  Now I just need to figure out where to put it.  The cottage is too full as it is.  And I do pay for half the mortgage here.  It’s tempting just to get a trunk and put it all in it and store it until I settle someplace and can truly have a place for things – it’s actually a lot of pictures, negatives, slides.  It feels good to throw things away though. I’ve kept one drawer of shirts here, so I have something to wear when I do housesit, and some sweatpants, etc.  And of course, my books.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with my books – I guess my real house will need to have a library.  I’ve always wanted built-in bookshelves anyway.

It feels like, when I’m housesitting, I fall back into the old energy that I had before I moved out.  Which was sedentary, not taking care of myself, unmotivated – in a word, depressed.  I do love being with the animals, except for getting up so early to do their bidding.  And the smell of the lilacs drifting through the door is wonderful, as is the sound of the creek.

But I’m ready to have my new life back and be back in my own cottage, even if it is a rental.

As far as my relationship with Pat goes, we are getting along well.  When the blog hit “Freshly Pressed”, Kelsea told him about it.  I had never told him about it, not because I was hiding something, but because I didn’t think he’d care.  He did – some of what he read made him sad, and that made me sad, since I wasn’t writing anything with the intent of hurting him.  And he felt I wasn’t telling “the whole story” about some things, to which I responded that, as it’s my blog, I get to share what I choose to share.  But he did say that I was a good writer, and that made me feel good.

A friend asked me if being here makes me want to go back.  No, I can’t go back, and I don’t want to go back.  But it does make me feel the loss of possibilities so intensely.  And that’s sad.  Divorce is hard.  It’s just hard.

May 2010


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