You are currently browsing the daily archive for May 24, 2010.

It crossed my mind today that recovering from a divorce is like recovering from an accident, or perhaps more appropriately, from a death. 

I was loading groceries in the car, trying to figure out how to structure the rest of the week – picking up and dropping off Kelsea, getting Pat from the airport, dropping off the recycle, doing laundry, doing the half-time job, dropping off stuff at the used bookstore and the donation center, working on the book, submitting one article, finishing two others, starting two new ones, having a date (!), working out, planting the back garden at the cottage, heading out of town this weekend, feeding myself (no small feat).

When someone dies, you have to clean out their stuff, just as you have to clean out your own stuff when you move out from a divorce.  It’s hard, walking through memories.  When a marriage has been ill for some time, it’s just like having been a caretaker to someone you love with a long illness.  No matter what you did, you couldn’t make it survive.  And so you experience a different kind of grief, that complicated grief that I had with my mother, where it’s as if a veil is before your eyes, a thin piece of black chiffon that changes the color and texture of your world.  It’s all you can do to just get the basics done – most of the time.  I feel as if I should be doing better than I am, be farther along in the loss (or healing) process than I am.  I actually suspect that I AM farther along than I feel today – being in my old house for a week has just caused me to have something of a setback.

As with an accident, there’s a lot of healing that has to happen after a divorce.  You don’t even know where or what some of the wounds are.  Wounds that seem to have healed can reopen, and one injury can cause another part of the body – or heart, or mind – to stop functioning properly as well.  I guess it takes more time than I imagined it would.  It seems like I’m drifting around in the healing process.  Am I supposed to be more focused?  Are there certain things that I’m supposed to be working on?  Processing?  Is there a “formula”?  (I hate that term when it is applied to anything divorce-related.)  Some book I’m supposed to reading?

Or is it just that great healer of all things, time?

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