You are currently browsing the daily archive for January 20, 2011.

In the past, I had to have a plane ticket (preferably to somewhere warm and sandy) in my hot little hands.  After my first trip to the Caribbean one May, which was supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime thing, I found myself back in Colorado and literally two days later, I had a ticket for November.  And so it went – May, November, May, November, January, May…you get the picture.

After the divorce, when I was in a relationship that was good for me and made me happy, I realized that I didn’t need a plane ticket anymore.  I had been running away when I’d gotten into that cycle.  I was running away from the unhappiness in my life and my marriage.  Suddenly, the craving had passed.  Suddenly, when I got a ticket, it was because I was running to something, going someplace to explore having a new life.  I was happy with the person I was and with the person I was with and didn’t need to run away.  When I got a plane ticket, it was because I wanted one. 

The difference between want and need is subtle, but huge.

As things have once again changed, it’s not like that anymore either.  I’m not sure how I feel.  I want to go.  I do.  And I could.  I had several trip options lined up for January – I started planning last November, but couldn’t decide which option I preferred.  I even had the booking screen for tickets up in front of me several times, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to click that “Purchase” button.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go alone.  I’m okay with that.  It wasn’t that work was in the way – I knew that, by now, when I should have been gone, my biggest annual task at my part-time job would be under my belt.  It wasn’t really money, although I am feeling a little more thrifty these days, with buying a house in the remote offing.  I really don’t know what was stopping me.  But something was.

Now, with not only the house but a job in the remote offing, I’m farther and farther away from having time or money to go south for a piece of the winter.  I’m okay with that.  I’m still curious about my hesitation, though, which is why I’m trying to write it out.  Sometimes writing it out makes my own thought process clearer.  But not this time.  At least, not yet.

I’m compromising (not a bad thing) by travelling more locally around the weekends.  Since I’ve picked up the camera again (and found my long-lost long lens), I’ve really been getting a thrill out of shooting.  So this weekend, it’s off to the Winter Park Snowfest for a night in a B&B and some photo ops – and maybe even some frozen hiking.  If I’m going to be in Colorado for another year or so, I might as well try to embrace it – “it” being the winter, cold and snow.  In fact, maybe that’s one of the lessons that I need to learn, and therefore, one of the reasons that I find myself staying here a little longer. 

As we know, the Universe works in mysterious ways.

Can You?

Can you not be happy
Until you feel that you have mourned?

Day after day, you are faced with your losses
Like a high-stakes gambler who has to
Drive a cab to earn enough money to get out of town.
Some days, loss is a vicious presence,
Others, it is a subtle shadow,
But it is always there.

Must you embrace it
Wrestle it
Conquer it
Before you can free yourself?

Before you can forgive yourself?

Before you can reclaim yourself
and your dreams?

I am sad to think
That you cannot separate me
From your loss
Because I know
what
that
means.

January 2011
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