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Today’s guest poet  —  Charlotte Bronte

Evening Solace

The human heart has hidden treasures,
In secret kept, in silence sealed;–
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed.
And days may pass in gay confusion,
And nights in rosy riot fly,
While, lost in Fame’s or Wealth’s illusion,
The memory of the Past may die.

But there are hours of lonely musing,
Such as in evening silence come,
When, soft as birds their pinions closing,
The heart’s best feelings gather home.
Then in our souls there seems to languish
A tender grief that is not woe;
And thoughts that once wrung groans of anguish
Now cause but some mild tears to flow.

And feelings, once as strong as passions,Float softly back–a faded dream;
Our own sharp griefs and wild sensations,
The tale of others’ sufferings seem.
Oh! when the heart is freshly bleeding,
How longs it for that time to be,
When, through the mist of years receding,
Its woes but live in reverie!

And it can dwell on moonlight glimmer,
On evening shade and loneliness;
And, while the sky grows dim and dimmer,
Feel no untold and strange distress–
Only a deeper impulse given
By lonely hour and darkened room,
To solemn thoughts that soar to heaven
Seeking a life and world to come.

(I’d like to thank Zhang Wenjie, photographer and blogger extraordinaire of A Certain Slant of Light, for introducing me to the poems of Charlotte Bronte.)

Photo title: Through the Garden Gate

Somewhere along a road in Wales.

Quote of the day: “The greater part of our lives is spent in dreaming over the morrow, and when it comes, it, too, is consumed in the anticipation of a brighter morrow, and so the cheat is prolonged, even to the grave.”  —  Mark Rutherford

I have been working 2 or 3 jobs for the past 11 years.  I have gone back and forth between being okay with it, and feeling like it’s killing me.  Right now, I’m at two jobs…. and I’m over it.

I have been at my second job for 8 years.  For a long time, it was a labor of love.  But for the last year or so, I have been wanting to quit.  It kept me going when I was unemployed, so I was glad I didn’t quit before I got laid off.   It has been helpful in buying the house, and the extra income made little luxuries (like maybe plane tickets) possible.  Last year, when I thought we were going to go away this year, I was so relieved to think that I wouldn’t have to do the job for another year.  Well, as I’ve said before, life’s what happens when you’re making other plans.

These days, I feel like I’m just not doing a good job at this job.  I let things slide.  I got (another) lecture from my boss last night about it.  And these days, even though we’re friends, I feel like sometimes he’s judgemental of me in ways that I don’t need or agree with.

Then I think that maybe I still need that extra income.  The job has been really flexible from a time perspective, which another part-time job might not offer.  But I almost dread going to work. I am so aware that I’m not doing a good job that it’s becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I keep thinking I just need to be more disciplined, more organized, more dedicated, but nothing seems to work to motivate me.

I don’t know what to do.  I would prefer to go out on a high note, like John Elway leaving the Broncos after two Super Bowl wins, but I think it’s too late for that.  I don’t want to admit that I can’t do it – and I don’t think that’s the problem.  It’s that I’m burned out and don’t want to do it anymore.  I love my full-time job.  The pay is decent.  I’m motivated to go to work, so it’s not like I don’t want to work.  The commute adds a lot of time and energy to my day, and if I didn’t have the second job hanging over my head, I would be okay with that. 

The bottom line is, I don’t want to do the job anymore, but I am scared to let it go – afraid I’ll need the extra money – and I don’t want to admit defeat.  I don’t want to admit that I can’t do it.

So what do I do, readers?  When is it time to let go?

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