You are currently browsing the daily archive for August 4, 2011.

Photo title: Patterns In The Sound

Quote of the day: “When you ask me what I came to do in this world, as an artist I will tell you: I came to live out loud.”  —  Emile Zola

Daily gratitudes:
Amazing thunder and lightning show over the sea
Our hysterically screaming neighbors
Perfect fresh shrimp
Unexpected accents
Dogs with water bottles
Tidal pools
New friends

The clouds are layered over the house, coming from the north.  Thunder rumbles like a falsely threatening deity, or a fat man suppressing a belch.  I prefer the deity metaphor, even though they are both mine.  I cannot tell if it will actually rain, or just rumble for a while.

But there are layers upon layers here.  Both in the skies and in my spirit.  That’s not a bad thing.  Not at all.  As a friend said, it is a good place for me, here at this beach.  I tend to ponder life with a more helpful spirit and intent.  Which makes the ponderances more productive.  I process more here than I do almost anywhere else.  Even in the Caribbean, I will “save” some things to process for when I’m there, and then I’ll get there, and I”ll be all, “Well, what on earth was I worried about THAT for??  Can I have another Dark & Stormy, please?  Look at the color of that water…”

I don’t do that here.  I am more serious about digging through my layers of emotional clouds and dissipating them.  I do it calmly, with a certain amount of serenity and certainty, and few tears.  Actually, I am proud to say, no tears this time.

Here, I grow.

Isn’t that lovely?

The thunder can do as it pleases.

It occurred to me the other day, as Kelsea and I were driving down the road, noting to each other which houses we might like to live in here, how different my life could have been had I had a partner who was working with me towards a shared goal all these years. I know that sounds obvious, and I know, too, that I have pondered this many times, but somehow, not in the same way.

We all choose our mates for different reasons.  I know that, way back in the annals of time, when I was a few days past 21, I chose mine because he was different from me, exciting, and he made me laugh.  They seemed like good enough reasons.  And once I get with someone, I tend to stick with them until I realize it will kill me if I don’t leave.  I’m stubborn. Or stupid.  I know now that I chose my mate to eventually have this wonderful child.  Not another child.  THIS child.

Others choose mates because they want to rescue them (or be rescued by them).  There was some of that in there for me, but it played itself out long ago, when I realized the futility of the whole rescue concept.  Others because they don’t want to be alone. Others still because it’s almost expected, and it’s easier to stick with something than to get out and find something else – good enough will be good enough.

None of us can see all the way down the road. People change. Change is the only thing certain in this life. In some cases, each half of a couple changes in ways that still work for the couple as a whole.  And in other cases, not.

Had I been with someone who wanted to work towards a common goal, I would have had my beach house here – and my travels, and my place in the Caribbean sun.  And some space to write and breathe.  I never expected to be coupled with someone who shared ALL my goals, just as I wouldn’t have shared his, but that part is less important than caring enough about one another to be willing work to fulfill not only common goals, but to help the other realize his or her OWN dreams – simply because you love them enough to want to them to be happy.

I spent my long 25-year relationship without a partner, working to support us, our little family, and occasionally being able to indulge my own goals.  Am I bitter?  Well, yes, a little bit. But only when I think of what I haven’t accomplished, and what more I could have accomplished with some help. With a partner. I am proud of what I have been able to accomplish on my own this past quarter century.  It’s really quite remarkable.  And I have a lot of time left to accomplish more.  It’s just that I wish the train could arrive sooner, as much as I enjoy the journey. I would like to be able to spend more time sitting by the sea, writing, and breathing.

So, in my wizened wise woman state, I say to you, if you are younger than me and wondering if this person with whom you are side-by-side now is THE one, be clear on your goals, and share your life with someone who has goals of their own – as well as ones to share with you – and who is willing to work towards them.  Try to think of it without rationalizing or fooling yourself.  And try to have the difficult courage to act on what you know is true.

You will find both the journey and the destination unfathomably joyful.

 

 

Archives

Make your life a little sweeter every day! Sign up for an email subscription to Seasweetie.

Join 2,117 other followers

wordpress stats
plugin
%d bloggers like this: