I have an unusual divorce. In many ways, it is good. Ex-Pat and I get along pretty well most of the time, as we are committed to our 15-year old daughter. The first year was tough – he was angry, I was sad, it was awful at times. But now, when it gets awful, I can leave, or hang up, or whatever. I don’t have to put up with being berated or belittled. And we do help each other out with things from time to time. We’re better unmarried than married.
He has not moved forward in his life. I have. He is very supportive of my relationship with MKL. He wants me to be happy. But he has done nothing in his life. He hasn’t learned anything from our divorce, hasn’t grown, pursued another relationship, devoted himself to a job or a dream. He has just bowled and spent money and alienated nearly every one of his friends. His support system – on which he calls rarely – consists of me and Kelsea. That’s not good.
He got a sore neck about 45 days ago. It became excruciating. He had horrible back pain. He could barely move. He was miserable, and miserable to be around. He went to the doctor at th VA twice, and they didn’t diagnose him, just gave him painkillers, which didn’t help much. I finally insisted he go to the doctor again, and that I go with him to advocate for him. I couldn’t stand how he was being around Kelsea and I was worried. He’d lost 15 pounds in a month, and reminded me of how my mother suddenly lost a lot of weight before her final cancer diagnosis.
So on Friday morning, we went to the VA. And while I’m glad it’s there to help veterans, it was about the most depressing place I’ve ever seen. To give you an idea of how poorly Ex-Pat was doing, a fellow veteran in the waiting room mistook him for a World War II veteran, which gave me quite a giggle.
The appointment with the doctor was okay. I insisted that he come clean about his excessive drinking, and the amount of over-the-counter painkillers he was taking.The doctors listened, looked at x-rays previously taken, and said he had some arthritis in his neck that might have just finally started causing the pain. Hmmm. I was suspicious, but the doctors agreed to get him to a primary care doctor for more visits, and to schedule an MRI to see if there is any soft-tissue issue.
But as we were wrapping things up, Ex-Pat got woozy. He thought he was going to faint. They took his blood pressure: 87 over 51. And off we went to the Emergency Room. That was Friday. They decided to keep him overnight because his blood pressure wasn’t coming up. They said he either wasn’t producing blood or he was bleeding “somewhere”. Overnight, he spiked a fever. They ruled out leukemia. On Saturday, his fever was down, but his blood pressure was way high. They kept him in another night. He had an MRI, which was fairly normal. But they discovered bacteria in his blood, so he went onto massive antibiotics. This morning when I talked to him, he said they were keeping him another day. Now I can’t remember why, but I think they’re trying to figure out if it’s related to his long-term mitral valve prolapse. He’s on fab painkillers, so he’s happier. But they still won’t let him go.
So I’m at his house, to tend to the animals. (Roscoe is back to his old self, by the way.) I can’t sleep in our old bed, because it’s covered with laundry. There’s no food in the house, and a counter full of dirty dishes. And I’m in tender shape. I help people who need help. It’s who I am and what I do But I feel like we are crossing boundaries that our divorce should have solidified. It is disturbing to me. It is disturbing to MKL, and I can understand that. I am still half owner of this house (that he has let fall into as much disrepair as he has let himself fall) and the animals, and Ex-Pat is still my daughter’s father. (She, by the way, is in the mountains with a friend for spring break.)
And it is upsetting. When they mentioned cancer during his exam, I got nauseated. Seeing him degenerate like this has brought back all those feelings about when my Mom got sick, and I cared for her, and she died. And when the Captain got sick, and I lost him. Which were both around the same time. I find myself holding back tears and saying out loud to myself, “You’re all right. You’re ok.” And this makes me feel stupid. None of this is happening to me. It’s happening to Ex-Pat. I am fine. Inconvenienced. Worried. But fine.
Aren’t I?
I guess I still have some work to do.

Denver VA Hospital (image from http://www.ucdenver.edu)
14 comments
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March 25, 2012 at 11:31 pm
pamsplanet
Aw…SS. You will be OK. You will. It is so very difficult being the strong one for so many. It seems that as soon as one issue requiring your strength is resolved, another finds it way through the door. Life is a journey. Life is full of lessons. You are growing and learning on this journey of yours. There is no doubt about that! I love you, my dear, and I am proud of you for the strength you possess and the burdens you have been willing to shoulder.
As you well know, there are those people who will love you and walk away when the going gets tough. You are not that kind of person, and that is something that should make you very, very proud. You do not abandon people…no matter what…even if it is inconvenient, or causes you distress, or is difficult to bear personally. You are a soldier in your love for the people in your life.
Ex-Pat may be your ex-husband, but he is not an ex-human being. He is the father of your daughter, and you’re setting a fine example for her of what loyalty and friendship really mean. Caring for others is never wrong. It is those who walk away easily when the going gets too difficult who have the problem, not you, my friend.
Lean on MKL 🙂 Allow him to support you through this time of caring for someone else. It will do him good, and it will help you, too. Please know I care, too, and don’t hesitate to call if you need someone to listen. God knows, you’ve always been there for me and known almost instantaneously when I have needed to hear your voice.
Love you!
P
March 27, 2012 at 7:25 am
Seasweetie
Thanks, P. And thanks for the talk yesterday.
March 26, 2012 at 4:39 am
TBM
I think that is great that you two are still friends and that you can be there for him during this time. I know it is bringing up memories and that is difficult. You are a very brave and caring woman. And woohoo that Roscoe is doing well. Take care. I hope your daughter is hanging in there and I wish ex-Pat the best.
March 27, 2012 at 7:25 am
Seasweetie
Thanks, TBM. It is most lovely to have Roscoe back to his old self again.
March 26, 2012 at 6:25 am
suzicate
I don’t have any great words of wisdom, but am sending hugs and positive thoughts to you.
March 27, 2012 at 7:24 am
Seasweetie
I can use all the cyberhugs I can get right now, suzicate.
March 26, 2012 at 10:03 am
quotidianhudsonriver
Hang in there. As you state several times, your are doing this as much for your daughter as for your ex. A “good” divorce is always harder than a “bad” one, because you acknowledge the years spent together rather than obliterating part of your past.
March 27, 2012 at 7:24 am
Seasweetie
I’ve never thought of it that way, qhr.
March 26, 2012 at 10:07 am
slpmartin
A vey tough position to be in…but it seems you’re doing what you can…take care of your own health too during this stressful time…peace be with you.
March 27, 2012 at 7:23 am
Seasweetie
Thanks, slp – a little peace would be nice.
March 26, 2012 at 10:20 am
thesinglecell
Sea, sometimes love is love in another form. I’m not saying you’re still in love with ex-Pat, but it’s bound to be confusing when a man with whom you shared your life is suffering and you want to (and feel you should) help. As you say: you have moved on in your life; he has not. Not only are you feeling bad that he’s so badly-off…. you pity him. And maybe you resent a little the fact that there isn’t someone else to take care of him by now, thus activating your Obligation Response. Plus, if you’re observing that he hasn’t learned from your divorce, you’re feeling all over again those things that drove you to divorce to begin with, fifteen years later, when they belong in the past. Our humanness is a complicated thing. I don’t think any of what you feel is wrong, even if you wish you didn’t feel it. I hope he is back to health quickly so that you can be back to wholeness quickly, too.
March 27, 2012 at 7:23 am
Seasweetie
Thank you, singlecell. I’ll have to look up Obligation Response. Everything you say is true (although we’ve only been divorced for two years, not fifteen).
March 27, 2012 at 8:45 am
thesinglecell
I made that up. It just means what it sounds like. 🙂 Thanks for the clarification – I’m sorry to have misunderstood so dramatically!
March 27, 2012 at 9:09 am
Seasweetie
Sounds like a self-help book in the making, singlecell – you are such a talented writer anyway, I do believe you could make a mint!