I have been having water dreams lately. Lots and lots of water dreams for weeks, I think. Water dreams are strange things for me. They have always been portents of huge and significant changes. And generally not good changes. They are always similar in character. I am by the ocean and the waves are huge, engulfing everything, and I am trying to survive, to push through them, to stave them off. Doesn’t take a Jungian dream analyst to figure that one out, does it? What I know for sure is that they are certain predictors of something big happening. Generally, how I am able to survive in the dream indicates the level of intimacy with which the change will affect me, but not always. Sometimes, there are people I know with me in the dream, and they are usually impacted in real life whenever the change comes.
So, another water dream last night, coming on the heels of yesterday. Yesterday sucked. I won’t really go into why yesterday sucked. Suffice it to say that it did. BIG TIME. I am hoping today will be better. Hope springs eternal.
Ex-Pat has endocarditis and septicemia. He will be in hospital at least until Friday. According to my readings on the Internet, this is scary stuff. Really scary stuff.
The Internet can be your trusted friend or that devious individual on the street corner hissing to you that the world will end soon and he will take care of your pets when the rapture comes. When too much information on one topic is available, it is easy and hard at the same time to pick what you are going to believe. I read that septicemia is the same as sepsis, and that the odds of survival are about even. I read that it wasn’t, and that the survival odds are about 90 percent. I read that endocarditis can cause strokes, and that he’d have about six months to live even after recovery. I didn’t read anywhere that he would pop out of his hospital bed on Friday and start romping with the lambs. And what I heard him say last night, when I pointed out to him that without getting treatment he would have died and pretty darn quick at that, was that maybe that would have been better, as his daughter is the only thing he has to live for. (Which to me is a huge reason to keep living.) But he’s lost his will. He’s in too much pain to walk, and they don’t know why. Things are looking bleak, to say the least.
I think I will try to talk to his doctor to get the full scoop, as he is too doped up to tell me much. Then at least I can share what is real with Kelsea, who comes home today.
On the other hand, I am still at his house, and it is filthy. Filthy. Just disgusting. Even though I said it is not my job to clean this place, and I know it isn’t, I am going to do so, enlisting Kelsea to help, so she can see what clean is, and how to make things that way. I can’t let her live in a place that is like this. In clearing off the kitchen table, I found receipts from 2009. And that was probably the most pleasant of my finds. I remember he was always mad at me because of all the paperwork in the house that I never went through. Now that he’s having to deal with his own mail, and receipts, and crap, I suspect he understands, but he would never own up to it.
I may even tear up all the rugs and try to find replacements at ReStore. They will never be clean, ever, no matter what I do. I will get the handyman to come in and get the holes in the walls patched. I will try to rebuild my own sense of love and trust. I will do two jobs and manage two houses. And then I will sprout wings and a horn out of my head and become a human unicorn.
I’m being realistic.
Aren’t I?

Image from http://spiritofhorseblog.com
12 comments
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March 27, 2012 at 8:40 am
slpmartin
Sorry to hear how things are going for you…hopefully your personal future will be brighter…peace be with you.
March 27, 2012 at 11:22 am
waywardboundnc
Sending you support from cross country. Hang in there.
March 27, 2012 at 11:28 am
Seasweetie
My grasp is quite tenuous just now, waywardbound.
March 27, 2012 at 11:27 am
waywardboundnc
Hey, I have been having computing issues, but have been with you. Sending you support from crosscountry. Hang in there.
March 27, 2012 at 11:49 am
waywardboundnc
Maybe it will get stronger when Kelsea gets home. I will be thinking about you.
March 27, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Seasweetie
I hope so.
March 27, 2012 at 4:14 pm
thesinglecell
Yes. You are going to sprout a horn. Maybe two. Color TBD. 😉
I don’t know ex-Pat, but based on the condition of the house and himself, it sounds like he’s dealing with depression. Or… not dealing with it. To let yourself fall so badly ill without regard for yourself isn’t a good sign. But since he does have Kelsea to live for, and he is now in the care of professionals, perhaps the suggestion of a psych consult would not be a bad idea. They should be told about the condition of the house, too. Some guys are just slobs, it’s true. If that would be easier for you than my thoughts… then I hope he’s just a slob. Hang in there, Sea. You’re not adrift and you’re not going to drown.
March 27, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Seasweetie
Thanks, singlecell. I did bring up the depression card last week on the first doctor visit. It was put off until he could get a primary care doctor. Ah, the mysterious workings of the VA. But I’m going to hold onto that point like a pug with a pound of bacon, never fear.
March 27, 2012 at 6:21 pm
cantfindmenow
I can feel the burden that you are taking on and I sense total resentment in your tone. You have to remember in your cleaning, repairing and care you are taking, that you have joy in YOUR heart. You can’t be responsible for the lack there of in Pat’s. This is his burden, not yours. Your burden lies with Kelsea and doing what is best for her and her existance. Teaching her the fine art of responsibility for your space and the things which occupy it with you is a good lesson. Teaching her to do it for herself and another human is kind and should be shared with joy, the joy you have for helping another human, and one whom needs it, obviously. Your burden is only what you need to carry, not what everyone else carries. The man you once loved is in trouble, BIG trouble, and if you assist in getting him through this, your daughter will learn about doing the right thing whether she is enjoying doing it or not. You are a far better human than most and I give you kudos here. Love you and I will be praying for Pat and his speedy recovery and strength for you and Kelsea as you enter into the rough seas.
March 27, 2012 at 10:20 pm
Seasweetie
Thank you, dear heart. Your words are soothing, mindful, and inspirational.
March 28, 2012 at 12:12 pm
ceciliag
I have always found that when things become overwhelming and I am miserable and struggling – CLEANING is a wonderful way to put your body to work (heavy housework IS hard work) then your mind can disengage for a while and seek answers unhindered. I agree with you.. get stuck in. Make sense of the mess! His place sounds like the Old Codgers when I first met him. Him sitting like a defeated question mark in his chair. You will also i think feel a lot better when you have had a good talk to an informed doctor then you and your daughter? can discuss your strategy. Depression often cannot be fixed by a doctor, they seldom have the real time to discover the reasons behind the sadness but a bright clean manageable environment does wonders for the soul. and if he is this sick well of course he is depressed. he is lucky to have you still. Well. Off to work for both of us. c
March 28, 2012 at 4:19 pm
Seasweetie
Thank you, celi! I totally agree.