I originally wrote the post below about Dottie Sandusky on November 10, 2011, and it stirred up a small hornet’s nest of controversy – people saying that I was defending Dottie Sandusky, that I was being unfair to the victims, that I was a narrow-minded ass and an idiot. Well, as I maintained during those debates, we are all entitled to our opinion, and I stand by that belief.
As the Jerry Sandusky trial is wrapping up, and Dottie Sandusky has testified in defense of her husband, the feelings I had when I originally wrote this post have risen to the surface of my consciousness again. On a rational and clinical level, I understand the titanic depths of denial thought patterns in a situation like this. However, having followed the testimony of the victims, I have a somewhat increased sense of disappointment, outrage, and childlike bewilderment about this kind of denial. Not only does it minimize the victims’ experiences, it feels like a desperate act of self-preservation on the part of a woman who sees her world crumbling and will do anything to try to save it, regardless of the cost. Wouldn’t we all? I don’t know. It depends on our individual strength of character and moral courage.
As a childhood victim of a molester, I saw the denial that my parents experienced. Were they culpable? My child’s mind thought so – because I expressed in every way I could that I did not want to be around my molester – every way except telling them what was going on. I was too embarrassed, too ashamed, and too confused. Which sounds a lot like what Sandusky’s victims said about themselves and which is now enabling a clever defense attorney to call their testimony into question, in a large part because those feelings made them hold back the truth for so long.
I know what I think is right in this case, and perhaps it is colored by my own experience. But so be it. It takes true courage to admit to being a victim and not spend your life living as one.
November 10, 2011: Thinking of Dottie Sandusky
I don’t follow sports. I don’t have any connections at Penn State. I don’t even know how I became aware in the last several days of the atrocious acts that former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky committed on who knows how many young boys over the past 20 years. My heart aches for the victims. I know a little about how they feel. I remember being a victim myself.
But in all this publicity, the perpetrator hasn’t spoken. He’s free on a reasonable amount of bail. What’s he doing? Spending a lot of time with lawyers, obviously, and supporters, certainly. Note that I did not make the totally inappropriate remark about athletic supporters – oh wait, I just did. He can’t be strolling around Happy Valley with his head held high. Can he? Or can he truly be secluding himself in his home, with his wife of heaven knows how many years? Can he really? Which brings us to the point of my post.
As my heart aches for Sandusky’s young victims, it aches for his wife. What must this woman be feeling? Shame, anger, disbelief, rage, humiliation, shock, nausea, betrayal, bewilderment, devastation are just a few of the emotions that come to mind. What do you do when suddenly you discover that the man you married and loved and helped all these years is a person you don’t even know? And someone you would consider a monster if you did not know them?
It must be impossible for her to believe it, despite the evidence. And I know that, at this point, she is looking at every moment of their life together and wondering. Did she really know and just turn a blind eye? Did she miss all the signs? Does this fact make x,y, and z make sense now? How could she have been so gullible? Such a fool?
These are the things she is thinking privately. She may not voice these kinds of thoughts to anyone. And barely even to herself. To friends and family, I imagine she is still displaying the stong, supportive wife-face she has worn for years. The face that says, “I don’t believe a word of this, and I am standing by my man.” She has perhaps raged at her husband – or perhaps not. She’s not of an era when women did that, for any cause.
People have asked, “How could she have not known? It had to have been obvious, or at least suspicious.” But no, it is entirely possible that she did not know, did not see, did not believe. Sociopaths – which is what child molesters are – are extremely charming and excellent at the art of deception. And when you love someone and have built your life around them, you are predisposed to believe what they tell you. When you know someone as a man who has looked after kids in various capacities for years – and raised the ones you adopted together – then the trips, the phone calls, the bedtime companionship in the basement room, seem like pure fatherly activities. And pedophiles can – and do – raise families without victimizing their own children – sometimes.
The one thing I know is that this woman is a victim in a whole different way. And for that, my heart goes out to her.
6 comments
Comments feed for this article
June 20, 2012 at 10:02 pm
slpmartin
A very interesing post and perspective.
June 21, 2012 at 8:12 am
ceciliag
the human mind is an extraordinary thing. We can build inpenetrable walls around our consciousness. I bet she did not know. I bet she did not like him much but stayed married anyway. I bet she sometimes narrowed her eyes at something he said but then it quickly slipped under that wall. I bet she just got on with her role and did not think too deeply about other stuff. Not all people are perfect. Not all women are strong and clever. All victims have that wall. in fact we need it. You have heaved your wall up and faced some nasty stuff, so you are one of the strong and one of the clever. c
June 21, 2012 at 8:17 am
Seasweetie
Thank you, miss c. I have learned that walls are built both to keep people in and to keep people out. Sometimes it’s hard to which is the purpose. But I believe that we all have to look the ugly things in the face and call them by their names, if we are ever to be free from them, in this life or the ones that follow.
June 23, 2012 at 11:18 am
ceciliag
very true, I just reread what i wrote above and realised that when i wrote heaved your wall up i meant ‘heaved it up and looked under it,’ oushed it aside if you like, (sometimes I visualise a sentence better than i write it.) But i think you understood what I was saying. My voice gets rather muffled back here behind my wall. c
June 23, 2012 at 10:17 pm
Seasweetie
I did understand, thank you, miss c.
June 22, 2012 at 8:07 am
Cecelia Futch
Having known the Sanduskys years ago when we lived in State College, PA and worked on the Penn State campus, this whole scandal has been heart rending. Not to excuse Dottie’s “culpability” in this, but I think you are spot on in that she is desperately trying to save her crumbling world. My heart goes out to her and all victims of these types of crimes. My thoughts and prayers for those who bravely speak up because they will be scrutinized and villified by a public too quick to condemn and discount. May they each find solace and healing for crimes committed against them years ago. Thank you for your post.