I don’t think this is quite the right title for this post, but I’m struggling with how to express myself this time.
I am lonely for my daughter.
I am not generally lonely. I have a wonderful fiance. My niece is a great roommate. Thunder Cat is a good snuggle companion. I have friends (if I ever reached out to them). But the loneliness of a parent for a child is a unique animal. And the sense of missing a family unit is sometimes quite poignant – another kind of loneliness.
I have always been the one in the family who worked. My ex was always the stay-at-home parent, even when I didn’t want it to be that way. I missed a lot of Kelsea’s day-to-day growing up. I tried to make up for it by spending as much time as I could with her when I wasn’t working – except for the solo vacations to try to save my own sanity.
Now Kelsea is a teenager. We are going through the to-be-expected separation period. She spends most of her time with her friends. We still have some small time together, but she stays at her Dad’s most of the time, because he’s closer to school, and getting her there doesn’t work very well with my getting to work. Some people say I should push to have her stay with me more, but that’s just not how we operate. We talk and text every day. She will be driving in a few months, and is so looking forward the her freedom. I remember that from my own teenage years.
But I miss the kid stuff. I miss our dedicated play time together. I miss our “famous chats” and our reading and snuggles and watching trashy TV and talking about anything and everything. I guess this separateion from the parent is a normal thing – just what happens when teenagers grow up. It must be preparing everyone for that day when they leave home and forge their own life, the one that you as a parent have been readying them for since the moment they were born.
Once you are divorced, and one parent is not with the child as much any more, the sense of a family unit dissipates like a wisp of fog. Gone also are those dreams you had, of being the proud parents seeing your child off to various milestone events, or attending school plays hand-in-hand. I am wise enough to realize that those visions, like many others I had, were more fantasy than lost reality – I know that by looking at the reality of my life within my marriage for almost 20 years.
Maybe I miss dreams that I never had a chance of fulfilling. Then again, I was always trying to fulfill those dreams on my own, even in my marriage, and not as part of a team. My ex and I, in hindsight, were never a team, never partners. That feels sad.
The tragic events that have happened recently in Colorado have made me all the more sensitive about how precious my daughter is, and how quickly someone dearer to you than the moon can be snatched away forever. In the blink of an eye.
I know Kelsea misses me sometimes. I know I miss her often. I know she sees the texts and Facebook messages I send her daily, even if she doesn’t respond, so she knows that I’m thinking of her always. We still have our mother-daughter traditions (she loves traditions) and we still carve out time for special things. But the days of being her best playmate, of her sitting on my foot and clutching my leg when I had to leave the house, those days are gone. And I miss them.
I loved spending what time I could with her in her childhood. It was like having my own childhood all over again.
I guess we all have to grow up. Eventually.
16 comments
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October 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm
slpmartin
It’s difficult letting go of such wonderful moments…but you were fortunate to have some many special times with your daughter…that doesn’t make it easier I know.
October 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm
Seasweetie
I do feel blessed, slp, and that’s not a phrase I use often enough.
October 23, 2012 at 2:55 pm
pamsplanet
SS,
Having to let go, watching our children grow up and become independent, has always reminded me of being let go by a company that is downsizing. Raising my children was my best, most favorite job, and it was over much too quickly.
Of course, my grown children are still in my life, but it will never be the same as being able to tossle that downy-soft hair as I pass through a room. On the bright side, though….I am thoroughly enjoying the relationship I have with my adult children.
With teenagers, we too often feel that we have been delegated to the periphery of their lives, and it’s true!! It circles back around, though. You’re a great mom, and Kelsea is lucky to have you in her life!
October 23, 2012 at 2:59 pm
Seasweetie
Thank you, dear! I look forward to when it cycles back…Hugs to you.
October 23, 2012 at 3:47 pm
Cin
~hugs~ 🙂 I’m glad you do get some time together. I’ve been trying to remember to let my mom know how much I miss her more often, especially now that I am in another country.
October 23, 2012 at 3:59 pm
Seasweetie
:-), Cin – we moms really really like that.
October 23, 2012 at 7:23 pm
suzicate
Hugs. I don’t have daughters but I do miss my boys now they’ve grown up and into their own lives. I love the tradition you and your daughter have with road trips-what great memories. Perhaps, this is something you will carry into the future. Can you imagine what type of road trips you’ll be taking in 20 or 30 years from now?
October 23, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Seasweetie
I often think of that too, Suzicate. I’m looking forward to that future with her. And I love that she talks about bringing her kids to the beach that she’s been going to since babyhood, that I’ve been going to since childhood. Hugs.
October 23, 2012 at 7:42 pm
cecilia
Honey i cannot even begin to tell you how completely I understood this page. truly, not so madly, but deeply., I want to go into a long explanation as to why i am qualified to feel what you are saying and to empathise and all that useless stuff.. but .. I hear you honey and i have always said, that from the moment you give birth to a child you are never truly worry free again. The way Kelsea is free now. God love her. Being carefree enough to trust her mother to love her no matter what.. such a thing to be young.. such a joyous thing.. she is lucky to have you as her mum.. c
October 23, 2012 at 9:06 pm
Seasweetie
Thank you, celi dear. With your brood spread about the world, it must be a tug at your heartstrings in so many directions. Hugs.
October 23, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Alice
She will be your best friend again before you know it. I promise.
October 23, 2012 at 9:36 pm
Seasweetie
I’m looking forward to that, Alice. Thanks. 🙂
October 24, 2012 at 12:07 am
dafarmer
It is super hard to let your baby grow! I know my Mom keeps telling me she wished I was still her “little” baby and I’m 29. She always lets me know how much she loves me and misses all the time we used to spend together. Now we don’t even live in the same state and as a mother myself now I worry about the day when my son finally pushes me away to forge his own life. I hope to have a close relationship with my Mother with my son.
But don’t worry too much your baby will be back and closer to you than you’ve ever been once she is done with these teenage years. 🙂
October 24, 2012 at 9:08 am
Seasweetie
I loved the relationship I had with my Mother once I grew older, and Kelsea got to see that too, which I think was great. I think no matter what, dafarmer, our babies are always our babies. Have a lovely day!
October 24, 2012 at 2:55 am
TBM
Ah, what a difficult age. Hang in there and it will all work out. and I think it’s great you don’t force her to do things to make things easier on you. too many people do that and it pushes people away. Keep the traditions going.
October 24, 2012 at 9:05 am
Seasweetie
Thanks, TBM dear. I hope you are feeling better.