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Insomnia last night.  Ugh.  Went to bed a little bit late – just before 11:00, but come 3:00 am, I was still awake.  I almost drifted off sometime around 1:00 and I was startled awake by a lone coyote out in the Open Space beside the Cottage.  I think he was separated from the pack.  He was giving these interesting barks – summoning barks, but not the same summoning bark as when a coyote has made a kill.  He went on for a bit, and got the distant dogs in the surrounding neighborhoods going.   Once he stopped, Eagle next door gave out a couple of calls – he is often a companion on my sleepless nights.

Things quieted down, but I was awake, listening to the quiet.  I was thinking about what my new house would sound like, since it’s closer to a street than the Cottage is, and doesn’t have Open Space around it.  It’s been 20 years since I’ve lived in a house that didn’t have a natural wildness next to it.  Pat’s house had the creek on one side, the Cottage has the Open Space, the house in the mountains had, well, mountains (and a stream) by it.  But a house by Open Space that’s close to Kelsea is out of my price range for a little while. 

After I soaked in the quiet for a time, and examined the color of the walls in the dark, the two Great Horned Owls that live in the big pine tree in front of the Cottage started talking to each other.  I have only seen them a few times, and only when they have swooped through the darkness over my head as I’ve been crossing the lawn to the Cottage.  They hooted at each other for a long, long time, clearly conversing.  I wondered what they were saying, and then lay there in the darkness, doing my best to imitate them very softly, and wondering if they could hear me.  I think perhaps they could, because when I got the call to a tone that sounded close to theirs, they were silent for a few minutes.  I don’t know what kind of hearing owls have, but I would expect that it’s pretty good.

At 3:00 am, I turned off the alarm which was set for 7:00.  I cannot function on less than 5 hours sleep without shaking all day.

I did finally sleep.  Sometimes, as I’ve written about before, I feel like a small child, fearful of sleep, because I am fearful of my own dreams.  But last night, I dreamed and dreamed.  I dreamed about my father (in a good way, in a new life), about a house with wood floors, about outdoor showers, about dogs that loved me, about Paris, about a man on a streetcorner cooking me eggs, about finding my way. 

I awoke far too late, having missed kickboxing class, which I made up for by taking a hike.  But I woke up singing.  I got up singing.  I haven’t done that for a long while.

It felt good.

And after feeling bad for what feels like so long, I’m going to enjoy feeling good for as long as it lasts.

December 2019
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