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In the past three weeks, two people close to me have lost family to suicide. Now, two young souls will never see the beauty of another sunrise, and their families will never be the same. I know how hopeless and painful your life can feel, but I know it always gets better. I also know that, at that pivotal moment, it can be impossible to see that. There is always someone who cares, someone to reach out to, even if that person is a stranger. I may be a stranger to you, but if you’re reading this, and if you ever think that you can’t go on, reach out to me. I care about you. There is so much more than the moment you are in.
Cozumel, Mexico.
Quote of the day: “When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.” — Jeannette Walls
Daily gratitudes:
Our first snow (but only because we need the moisture)
Snuggly Mr. Man
Leftover chinese food
My toasty Razorback fleece onesie
Some inner calm
Today had best be mostly wordless. Sending peace and love to all.
Cozumel, Mexico.
Quote of the day: “Whatever may be the tensions and the stresses of a particular day, there is always lurking close at hand the trailing beauty of forgotten joy or unremembered peace.” — Howard Thurman
Daily gratitudes:
MKL’s love and support
Lunch with a dear friend
An expedited passport request
Mr. Man’s paw on my heart
Trying to make sense of our world
I believe that on the other side of the darkness of depression is beauty, like this tunnel to the sea. Depression is tricky. People can’t see it. I can hide it from myself, from MKL, from anyone who knows me well. I don’t do so to be disingenuous. It’s just that it’s my problem. Inside, I believe it’s boring and it’s shameful, and I don’t deserve to be depressed because my life is good and rich, and it’s just me being whiny. I mean after all, how many times have I written about it? That’s how depression works though. It tells you you’re not worth anything. It takes a lot to move through its tunnel. And I’m moving now, towards the beautiful piece of blue. Thank heavens, and let’s hope this forward motion lasts longer than a day or two.
Cozumel, Mexico.
Quote of the day: “You say you’re ‘depressed’ – all i see is resilience. You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn’t mean you’re defective – it just means you’re human.” — David Mitchell
Daily gratitudes:
2,000 words
A compromise position for Mr. Man
Helping
My first piece of art
That Trevor is okay
More playing with shadows. That phrase carries so much innuendo, doesn’t it? Shadows are fascinating toys in photography, playmates in life (for haven’t we all played with our shadows on the sidewalk in the sun?), and things that creep around in the corners of the darkest rooms in our souls. On the playa, they are simple. There are shadows from shells, as we saw in yesterday’s post, shadows from palm trees, shadows from palapas. You are probably saying, silly Seasweetie, these are not shadows on the sand. It’s just wet sand washed by the waves. Perhaps you are right. But perhaps as shadows inhabit our memories, the sand holds the memory of the waves that move and touch it.
Cozumel, Mexico.
Quote of the day: “Our imagination flies — we are its shadow on the earth.” — Vladimir Nabokov
Daily gratitudes:
Spending the day helping a stranger who is now a new friend
Starting House of Cards on Netflix
Windchimes
The caw of a lone seagull
That Kelsea and I have little things that make us miss each other
My heart is made of sand and sea and sun and shells, touched by the occasional storm and moved by passing trade winds.
Next to the dining space – for it could not be called a room – of what I think of as “our place” in Mexico stood a tree, its branches decorated with hearts. Glass hearts of pink and red and turquoise, carved folk art hearts, silver hearts in which we could see the reflections of ourselves, beautifully distorted, and hearts of shells, like this one. Delicately constructed, yet each piece unique, each element far stronger than one could imagine, having been tossed and tumbled by waves for years while remaining unbroken. Not unlike my heart.
Cozumel, Mexico.
Quote of the day: “Everybody needs a seashell in her bathroom to remind her the ocean is her home.” — Sue Monk Kidd
Daily gratitudes:
Attending my first caucus
New friends who are awkward kindred spirits
Lunch today with MKL
Having my toes tucked under Mr. Man
The amazing sky and light tonight
Today was one of those blue days when I just want to crawl into the spiral of a shell and stay there until my spirits lift. But that’s not the way life – or depression – works. On these days. sometimes, my mind wanders to things that made me bluer, and then I have to shift my perspective on those things to see the blessings inside them. They’re in there, just like a conch is nestled within the spirals of its shell.
Surf City, North Carolina.
Quote of the day: “For a moment the image before us is frozen: our world, our lives, reduced to a handful broken stars half lost in uncharted space.” — Annie Kaufman
Daily gratitudes:
That my mother used to let me eat frozen peas in the summer when it was hot. They were so good and sweet, one at a time.
That I could afford to pay Kelsea’s first quarter college tuition today
The “golden hours” even when I don’t have my camera
The art collages on my bedroom walls
Watching “Catfish” with Kelsea – it’s her favorite show
Something simple for tonight.
Topsail Beach, North Carolina.
Quote of the day: “I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.” — Lao Tzu
Daily gratitudes:
Tonight’s sunset
Time with furry friends
That Kelsea comes back tonight
Ratcheting down my anxiety
Crescent moons
Fishing is a big part of most island communities, and Topsail is no exception. While the shrimp crop is smaller than it used to be, due to overfishing, you can still see the shrimp boats trolling off the coast early in the morning, followed by a flock of seagulls. I, unfortunately, did not get up early enough to see the boats this trip, but these baskets are waiting for a catch.
Surf City, North Carolina
Quote of the day: “The clouds were building up now for the trade wind and he looked ahead and saw a flight of wild ducks etching themselves against the sky over the water, then blurring, then etching again and he knew no man was ever alone on the sea.” — Ernest Hemingway
Daily gratitudes:
Hanging with my former animals
Prayers and intentions
Recovering items dear to my Mother
A cooler day
That Kelsea and Pat made it to Seattle successfully
All pink and blue, unlike our swirling yet unfulfilled storm clouds here in Lafayette this afternoon. And speaking of babies – or those who are no longer babies – my darling daughter goes off to college orientation tomorrow. Then she comes back, which is good, but then she will go away again. I guess that is the way of it. As today’s quote says, we all leave a bit of ourselves behind when we leave a place. I have left much of myself at Topsail. My darling daughter will leave much of herself here. But we both have so much more to see and do and give, and an endless amount of ourselves to leave behind in the places we will love.
Topsail Beach, North Carolina.
Quote of the day: “We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.” — Pascal Mercier
Daily gratitudes:
Making it through a tough day
MKL
Sharing Kelsea’s excitement about college housing
Our two new wooden parrots
Voyager
One of the greatest challenges of seaside photography for me is the timing between taking my camera outside of an air-conditioned car or house and taking a shot. My timing was suberbly off in this instance, but I thought the condensation created as spooky a sand picture as I’ve seen.
Topsail Beach, North Carolina.
Quote of the day: “And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon.” — Edward Lear
(As an aside, this quote is from The Owl and the Pussycat. My Mother put the poem to a tune, and sang it to me when I was little. Once I had Kelsea, I remembered it, and sang it to her. My Mother heard me singing it to her once, and was so delighted that I remembered her little tune, that has now stood the test of time and generations.)
Daily gratitudes:
Having Kelsea home safe from her long road trip
Seeing my husband today (since we don’t live in the same house yet)
How nice the word ‘husband’ feels in my spirit
A slightly cooler day
Mr. Man laying on my heart in the middle of the night
