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When driving Kelsea to school today, we were talking about this and that, and the subject of her dad came up.  She started listing all of his wonderful qualities, and I am very glad she loves him so.  But…     she said how proud she is of his being an inventor and how hard he’s worked to get his product going.  And that was too much for me. 

I told her in no uncertain terms that Dad hadn’t been working for almost ten years.  That I’ve worked two and three jobs and supported our family on my own for a decade.  That we might even still be married if he’d listened to me and taken action when I tearfully told him (on several occasions) that I was literally working myself to death and needed him to take some of the burden off my shoulders. 

Then I felt bad.  I told her that I shouldn’t have said that, and that I don’t want to bad-mouth her Dad.  I’ve never bad-mouthed him to her.  I told her that she was entitled to her own feelings, opinions and relationship with him, and that a marriage relationship is nothing like a father/daughter relationship.  She told me that I was entitled to my opinion, and that she wants to hear my opinions, but they won’t change how she feels about her Dad.  She said she was proud of him for pursuing his dreams.  I refrained from saying that I had never had a chance to pursue mine because of my marriage, but I hope she knows that I have dreams too.

I still don’t think it’s right for me to voice my opinions and feelings around the injustice in my marriage to our daughter.  She and I are good friends in addition to being mother/daughter, and sometimes I let my boundaries slip.  I was thinking last night, as we were putting up our little Christmas tree, that she and I are doing things that usually two parents do for kids.  And since I’ve always had Pat to direct the tree erection, this was a learning experience for both me and Kelsea.  More like two roommates trying to figure it out.

I suppose one of the reasons the conversation turned as it did on the ride to school this morning was because I was thinking about how Pat is moving on.  He’s not moving on by dating someone, but by a more active pursuit of his business dreams.  It doesn’t bother me (other than the nagging notion that he just wanted me for convenience and now he’s using the money I worked for to live off).  I really do want him to be happy.  I really do wish him well.  I am moving on myself, with Mr. GF, with plans for my own future. 

So why do I still feel so resentful, so cheated? 

Guess it’s going to take some more time.

October 2020


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