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There’s a phenomenon that occurs with women when they get into relationships.  I’ve seen it in myself.  I’ve seen it in women I’ve known.  I’ve wondered if it was something tied to age, but now I don’t think so.  Which makes we wonder what it’s really tied to.

It’s not something we talk about.  I think in most cases, it’s not something we acknowledge.  If we do, then we rationalize it into something positive.  And it’s not altogether bad.  But it’s interesting from a psychological standpoint.

It’s what I’ve taken to calling (in my head, where I do most of my talking) the Egg Phenomenon.  I give full credit to the film “Runaway Bride” for the label.  While it’s a total chick flick and didn’t get much screen/air time, it was an entertaining movie with a lot of nuances. 

In a nutshell, the character portrayed by Julia Roberts tends to adapt herself to whatever fiance she has, and so she finds herself putting on the persona of mountain climber, hippie, whatever, to mirror her current partner.  The guy she finally ends up with calls her on it, after he has interviewed her former fiances and each states that she likes her eggs prepared just as he does.  When Richard Gere confronts Julia Roberts with this knowledge, she realizes she doesn’t know how she likes HER eggs.  During their break-up, she proceeds, on her own, to try eggs prepared in all different ways, and when she finally returns to him, tells him, without a shred of doubt, how SHE likes HER eggs.

Hence, the Egg Phenomenon.

Now, it’s one thing to try new things because your new partner is into them.  If you’ve never had Eggs Benedict and your partner loves them, try them – you may love them too!  Same goes for sports-related activities – I mean, you never know if you like something until you try, and you may not try something until the opportunity arises.  It’s not as if I woke up one morning and said, “I’ve never tried fly-fishing – I think I’ll go!”  Without being with someone with the requisite equipment and experience, while I’d thought with interest about fly-fishing, there would be no way that I’d throw myself into a freezing creek at near-dawn to tangle fish hooks in my hair.  (And I loved fly-fishing.)

But I have a girlfriend who worked hard to give up smoking and was so proud of herself when she did.  Then she met her husband, who smoked, and within six months she was smoking again. This might not be the best example, because I’m sure it’s hard for a former smoker to be intimate with a current smoker without giving into temptation.  So let’s take it a step further.

Take a woman who loved music.  She pairs up with a guy who doesn’t.  Suddenly, her love of music is sublimated.  Or say she’s a vegetarian, who connects with a meat-and-potatoes guy.  Her veggie lifestyle is consumed by beef before she know it.   Both of these have happened to me. 

Does this mean I’m weak?  That I don’t know myself?  It’s not as if the men have said “Give up music (or vegetables), or we can’t be together.”  I don’t know for sure.  I do know that I have NEVER seen the reverse happen.  I have never been with a man who loved to go dancing just because I did, when he hadn’t loved it before.  Somehow it seems that men don’t do this mirroring thing that women do. 

I think that’s partly what it is – mirroring.  We are most comfortable when we can see elements of ourselves in others.  As women, we focus on making people comfortable.  Unfortunately, it seems to extend beyond certain boundaries, where we slightly morph ourselves to make the men we are with most comfortable, to ensure that they will want to stay with us.  Sometimes, some of those changes we make are ones we wanted, ones we needed and ones that are healthy.  Other times, though, not so much.

I am sure that self-aware men who read this will say, “But I don’t want you to change – I am with you because I liked who you were when I met you.”  And I think that’s true, to a certain extent.  I know that they believe that’s true.  But what they don’t take into account is that this morphing that we undergo (and I refuse to call it a metamorphosis because that has more positive connotations than I am implying) is so subtle and insidious on the part of women that men don’t even really recognize that it’s happening.  They just know they are happy, and grow more and more comfortable with the woman.

It’s a form of shapeshifting.

I don’t know why men don’t seem to do it.  Maybe they are not genetically programmed to make others comfortable.  Maybe it’s a biological presumption that women will please them.  Maybe they’re just not that sensitive, flexible, or aware.  Or maybe they are more secure in themselves than women.  Trying to answer that question could be a Master’s thesis in itself.

I’m no teenager anymore.  That’s when girls who don’t know themselves tend to do whatever it takes to try to keep a guy.  But during this phase of my life when I am alone, I am asking myself a lot of questions about who I am, inside and out of a relationship.  If I were more secure in my own self, would I still morph in a relationship?

Sometimes the shapeshifting is nothing more than a normal compromise of souls, an adjustment to being with someone.  Being in a relationship is all about give and take, and we do make little edits to ourselves to keep a relationship healthy and growing.

But I feel now is the time to ask myself the big question:

Do I REALLY know how I like my eggs?

I was thinking of all the character flaws that I’ve been accused of lately, and wondering about their validity.  Of course, one must consider the source, and that automatically makes those criticisms questionable.  But it’s always worth taking a look at yourself.  I’ve certainly been doing that a lot lately – you’d think, reading my recent entries, that I believe the whole world revolves around me.  I know better.  I just forget sometimes.

I am not a disruptive person.  In fact, I have been described as a calm and peaceful soul.  An old soul.  I do not typically need to confront people unless they are threatening someone or something I love.  Then I will fight tooth and nail for what is right.  I do not need drama – I need peace.  I am WAAAAAAY past the drama queen days of my teens.  I doubt most women can truthfully make that statement.  I have spent my life since I was 10 years old trying NOT to play into victim mentality.  And I have a tough time respecting people who indulge that mentality.  I work hard – I have ALWAYS worked hard.  I have not felt particularly deserving in my life – something I am trying to challenge myself on, because I have had self-esteem issues for a long time.  In other words, I don’t believe that any more.  For all the weakness I have shown over these past two months, I am a strong person.  I feel I’ve gotten to know myself better in these past eight months than I have in the past 26 years.  And that’s good.

I am trying to not judge people who I don’t know.  And I expect the same in return.  I know I won’t always get it, but shoot for the stars, right?

I love deeply when I love.  I am willing to give my whole heart and soul to someone who will nurture it tenderly and who will give and recieve the same in return, with openess of spirit.

With my past issues, I have found that I forgive more than I should – and that means I don’t always stand up for myself when I should.  I make excuses for those who love me.  Or perhaps I should say for those who SHOULD love me. Those are two traits that I am working hard to recognize, acknowledge, and change.

 I have a hard time trusting people, but as with my love, when I give my trust and my heart, I am hopeful and naïve – and those are two qualities I NEVER want to lose.  They help keep me young and help keep the world fresh in my eyes.

Childlike in my enthusiasm.  Radiant when I am peaceful.  Diving deeper into a spiritual side of me that is as strong as anyone’s I have ever known, and reveling in my new-found freedom to explore it.  Coming from a long line of Southern women with the power of the “shine”, I appreciate my heritage.   I want to learn to appreciate my past, even the bad parts of it, and move past the pain those experiences have caused, have buried like a piece of rebar in my spirit, and learn the value of them.

Hatred and jealousy are not commonplace emotions for me.  I dislike them in myself when I feel them and I think less of myself.  That means I need to do something with them – own them?  Transform them?  I am not sure. Still working on that.

Anger and rage have been emotionally beaten out of me over the years.  Up until my early 20s, I had a terrible temper – it ran in my family.  I don’t miss it, but I do think that some release or process that is associated with that feeling is missing from me.   I need to learn its value as well and use it in a healthy way.

I’m a loyal friend, but I’m not good about staying in touch.  I suppose I am not sure people really want to hear from me.  Those self-esteem issues rearing their ugly head.

For the past years, I’ve been confused about my own power.  Who owned it, how did I exercise it.  I made some poor choices.  I understand more about those choices and what is right for me now that I am exiting my marriage.  My power and my value are not based on sex or money.  They are based on my core being, who I am, strong, capable, loyal to those who deserve it, sensitive, and loving.

More self-analysis later..



February 2020
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